Life is like your childhood sandbox: not everyone plays nice. Some kids crush your sandcastles, others will throw your shovel, and the real douchebags will drop a steamy poo right in your play pad. There's no escaping it. Everywhere you go, someone's bound to be a dick.
Best-case scenario? You evolve into a savage and learn to both give and take the hate. Worst-case scenario? You devolve into a whiny baby with an inability to formulate a comeback. It's a jungle out there, so enter at your own risk.
1. What a compliment.
Protip: women don't always love being told they look like a guy with a mustache. It's usually not what they're going for, so maybe think a little harder about this one next time.
I gotta say, though, it looks like he took good care of his hair.
2. Finally, a protest I can get behind.
If I have to defend something, let it be food. Let it have meatballs. Let it be something I should be able to pay for with five singles, and let it not be false advertising.
3. He basically asked for this burn.
Come on, you have to be expecting someone to do this. When you set someone up, they deliver.
Also, I'm bookmarking that Wikipedia article so I can use it as quickly as possible. And... done.
4. The truth hurts.
Don't you hate it when they're right? This hits me right in the arts degree, but hey, I can critically think about why they're right while trying to make an obscure reference that makes me sound smart!
BRB, trying to find more employable skills.
5. This is dedication.
You have to wonder what she did or whether he's just a jerk. With three years, I'm going with the second option. Dude, you need to get over these things.
6. But herpes can burn you.
I like to think that the commenter is the ex and that they're extremely proud of giving this person herpes. Which no one should be, but hey, maybe their favorite sweater's about to get burned.
7. The future's for those who can do math.
I mean, you can definitely make the argument that it needs art, but the future generally doesn't pay for that. Time to go back to school.
8. Some people should just live alone.
But seriously, the detail is impressive: "Knife left out on counter in striking distance of knife block, having been only used to remove seal of ice cream carton, which was also left on counter, leaving quite the sight as the last thing I saw before I gratefully left town for two weeks."
9. Because just blocking their number isn't enough.
Instead, you have to take to Paint to create an "artistic" effect where the person was. The crappiness of your skills just further highlights your beauty, of course.
10. This cuts deep.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that all burns become better when you add a Disney princess to fake them out. And if it's not universally acknowledged, then it should be.
11. With an army like that, you're never really alone.
Seriously, try going to the bathroom when you just have one kid slipping little fingers under the door. Now imagine 10 kids and 100 fingers... this is becoming too much like a horror movie.
12. Maybe she should take a hint.
Might also have something to do with that empty bottle of Coke. The high is clearly over, so maybe he crashed so hard that he missed the bean bag chair.
13. Because Wednesday isn't bad enough already.
I know so many people that hate Tuesdays, though, and they would be freaking out. "How is it still going? Did I dream yesterday? Is the nightmare still going?"
14. Having friends ain't something to celebrate.
But hey, maybe their "celebration" is their distraction from the truth you just laid out. Come on, can't they forget that life sucks just for a bit?
15. You gotta give love to get love.
Dads are just trying so hard to get the kids' lingo and failing even harder. Well, at least you can applaud him for making an effort.
16. Or maybe Post Malone looks just like Beyoncé.
That, or maybe she looks like Beyoncé on the inside. Or maybe she's just all of us and wants so badly to be Beyoncé that she'll say anything.
17. Nothing feels better than proving the haters wrong.
Especially when you get to wear a funny-shaped hat and robes to pretend you're an actual academic wizard. Then you've proved everyone wrong.
18. I've heard that Ancient Greek festivals were lit.
She's got that Instagram-worthy smile going for her, too. Add a filter, and you won't even be able to tell she died hundreds of years ago.
19. Okay, but I don't have any dentist friends, and I'm not going to go around eating them, either
Also, that logic didn't work super well with the sharks in Finding Nemo.
20. No, thanks, I'll take the greasy chicken farts.
If I wanted cauliflower and kale, I'd make myself a healthy salad. But there's something not right about a burger this crunchy.
21. Pretty much...
The whole "name someone more talented" game is inevitably dangerous. You're basically just asking people to be creative as they find ways to stab your self-confidence in the heart.
22. Free nuggets is an upgrade no matter who you are.
That plum sauce, though. Also, apple pies are for all day, every day. It's not a diet; it's a lifestyle choice.
23. How childish.
But I can't say my flirting is much better. Seriously, can we go back to those notes where you just wrote, "Do you like me? Circle yes or no"?
24. We all need to get on this level.
I'm not even sure what my reaction would be here. Would I be confused? Would I be angry? Or would I just be really curious about what her pajamas looked like?
25. Valid question.
Seriously, I totally get not having your walls decorated, but where are the crumbs and piles of clothes? Is that just my apartment? Or is that just me?
26. A life without bread is no life at all.
Garlic bread, grilled cheese, baguettes, burger buns, the breaded part on corn dogs... sorry, were we talking about something?
27. And the short guys get shortchanged.
Seriously, didn't they go through enough in gym class? Basically every single sport you have to play there is easier with a height advantage.
28. True, but you don't have the nuggets
And nuggets are life. They're the thing you wake up to in the morning and the last thing you see at night. They are the manna of the 21st century.
0 comments: