I trust you all have on your monocles, are sipping fine whiskey and smoking your cigars as you sit down to enjoy a list of chuckle-worthy truisms about our sex.
Wait, you're not wearing a monocle, sipping whiskey OR smoking a cigar? You're actually in your underwear with one hand down your pants and another on your mouse as you burp up Gatorade and Doritos? Hmm. I've greatly misjudged this audience.
Nevertheless, I wrote an article about guy logic. It's incredibly stereotypical and I am beyond certain that it will ruffle the proverbial feathers of the thin-skinned coalition of Internet People Against Anything Fun.But we don't care about feelings because we're men! And we bury those gross things deep, DEEP down and let them out in a confessional booth during an existential crisis in our mid-fifties.
I truly hope you enjoy my sexist ramblings. Let the record show: I regret nothing.
1. The older I get, the more I appreciate this sentiment.
2. Every man, before leaving the house, pats himself down to assure he has: keys, wallet, cellphone, and a tucked away nut sack.
3. The logic checks out.
4. You heard Claire right, Phil.
5. Can land a spaceship on an alien planet...can't understand a simple hooking mechanism.
6. T-that's how the world works, right? I'm nice. People mark my nice points on a chart. I get things in return.
7. My sink looks like a bathtub for dishes.
8. There's no time for anything other than selfish glory and obligatory 12-year-old racist rants on Call of Duty.
9. What's really funny is that we think they're wearing makeup for our sake.
10. Many of us do the same thing when we look under the hood of a car. In that case, ladies, never offer help. We can screw it up on our own.
11. To be fair to guys, poking things with stick-like objects is how we test the irritability of all things: hornets nests, road kill, broken engine, women...
12. Time to embarrass myself.
13. Can't lock car, opens door with knee, gets hit on ass by door, bursts blood vessel in both pinky fingers, brings in all groceries in one trip. WIN!
14. Never go baby faced. Just have degrees of face fur.
15. Underwear count too...unless they're gym underwear. Those only get maximum of two days in the rotation.
16. If it works...is it still stupid?
Collage images via 1. We Know Memes 2. imgur / DevilLeech 3. imgur / blackmomba
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