16 Husbands Who Have ALL The Jokes

Oh, do I have something special for y'all!

Not only have I stuffed this article chalk full of A+ dad jokes, I have also narrated all 16 dad jokes from the point of view of the dad (who henceforth shall be called Ronald) telling his coworkers about the jokes he tells at home. Spoiler alert: Ronald's co-workers LOVE the jokes. Obviously. They're golden. They're the epitome of what it means to be a man with kids and a lame sense of humor.

Enjoy, friends.

1. Pure carnage.

I have four sons. FOUR. And one of them is named Tobias. So take it from me when I tell you I know humor, which is why when I saw the leaf on the roof of my car, I knew I struck comedic gold.  

2. The best birthday.

...and because we were out of candles for the cake to say Happy 19th Birthday, I used the '4' candle to say, "this is FOOR your birthday!" I'm not going to say the joke was better than the MacBook we gave him, but one day he'll appreciate the lengths I go for a laugh.

3. I regret nothing.

Ya, horror-mones was all I said. Lucy lost it on me. I mean like total breakdown, which, ironically, validates my joke even further. That's a slight consolation for having to sleep on the couch last night. Regret it? No. Never.

4. Get it, son?!

So the little rascal runs in the room going on about how cold it is. Naturally, I put down my beer and turned slowly to make eye contact with him. And from the pits of my deepest, darkest soul, I said, "Go in the corner." He said, "Why?" to which I responded, "the corner is 90 degrees." YES I did! Stone cold face while saying it too.

5. The Star Wars

I saw the Star Wars this past weekend...Ya, it was pretty good. I wish they brought back Jar Jar Binks to be honest, but I know I'm alone on that one. But anyway, when we left the theater, I turned to my daughter and her friend and asked, "Is BB Hungry?" They both said, "What?" And I said, "No. BB-8!"...NO! It totally flopped. Kids these days don't have a sense of humor. 

6. He never saw it coming.

I don't know, I must have stunted their development when they were infants...Why? Because these jokes are gold, and they never laugh. Last night my son asked "What are you up to?" and I said, "176 pounds..." See? Jerry thought it was funny. I'm tellin' ya. These are quality.

7. He's had the same mug ever since.

This old thing? *point to mug?* My best friend in college, Jerry, owns an auto body shop in Warm Spring, Oregon... You've heard of it?...Yeah, about three hours east of Eugene. Anyway, Jerry got these cups made so people'll remember the time their car unfortunately broke down in Warm Springs. It's hilarious, right?

8. He moved out shortly after

Yeah, the boy is putting on weight. He's working hard at his Masters in Ancient Kenyan Throat Singing... fascinating group of people, Frank. Google'm. So I tried to subtly tell him he was fat because that's what dads are for. So I gave him this and said, "Here's that QP you ordered. Hold the cheese..." Did he laugh? God no. He moved out, which was an unintended — but welcomed — repercussion to the joke.

9. What rhymes with fun? Pun.

I'm not saying it should be in a book, but it was good because they're all like, "how can a nose be a foot?" And I was all like, "No you silly snail. 12 inches makes a foot..." Not a peep. Crickets. But I wrote it down in my journal so I can use it on a night where I really can't muster up the energy to make love to Lucy. Nothing makes her tomato turn sun dried quite like a dad joke.

10. Back in Desert Storm.

The kid was asking about Desert Storm last night... HAHA, YES CARL! I said, "leggy" Carl! You remember how that joke used to kill back in the day? Do you remember the how hard the Afghans laughed when we explained it to them? They were all hoppin' 'round on one leg, shoutin' "leggy." I miss the army, Carl.

11. More followers

The kids begged me to get Twitter because of all the dad jokes I make. So I did. And I posted my first one... Went really well, actually. Thanks for asking Jim... Oh, so close. 72,000 followers...I KNOW! From one Tweet. Kids're pissed so many people like me. I guess I'm just a natural. 

12. Never get married.

I don't know a damn thing about living to 100, but the kid keeps asking me. Heck, I'm 40 pounds overweight and I'm only 55. But I know a thing or two about dad jokes, so I had this baby made up. Then he asked, "how do I live to 99 then?" To which I said, never get married and have kids... Oh no, Lucy is PISSED right off. 

13. But it's a circus of comedy.

I had to ground the twerp. He let a cat into the house while our cat Molly was in heat. There was cat piss and hairballs everywhere. It smelled like a frat house toilet all weekend. So he, obviously, says, "it's not fair..." Oh, I'll tell ya what I said, Dick. I was ready. I said, "It's not a CIRCUS either!" *wheeze-coughs that lead into a three-minute choke.* 

14. It was actually a small baguette

She had dance on the weekend and Lucy was outta town. So I was on Superdad duties. She asked me to put her hair in a bun before class. All I had was a small baguette, but I compromised. We haven't spoken since Monday and the dance instructor left a message on Lucy's phone about my behavior. 

15. Like the headphones!

I don't have the money to get them both those headphones. But I do have something money can't buy: a great sense of humor... Backfired horribly, actually. I got caught-up in the excitement of my joke, I forgot to get them real presents, which was embarrassing enough but it got worse when I unwrapped their gift to me: Beats headphones.

16. Did it for the lulz

She asked for a laser hair remover, and as luck would have it, I bought a laser so I could play with the cat while watching football. So one thing led to another, I attached the laser to the razor, and when she started using it as a joke, the cat attacked her leg and Lucy had an allergic reaction. 

Main image via Way Out of World

Collage images via 1. imgur / swagbornslayer 2. imgur / sinatwist