13 911 Operators Share Their Hilariously Messed Up Stories

Luckily, in my time on this earth, I haven't had to make a 911 call. I'm pretty shy, so the idea of being put on the spot like that is terrifying. I basically practice all my phone calls beforehand, including any possible talking points that might come up so I don't have to be caught off guard. So just blindly jumping into a life-or-death conversation with a complete stranger.... well, my anxiety is already kicking in.

So it gives me a good amount of pleasure to learn that even if I were stumbling and mumbling, I probably wouldn't make the same mistake as some of thesepeople, who clearly don't understand just how serious 911 operators take their job. Remember to only phone in case of emergencies or you'll be publicly shamed online.

Please feel free to COMMENTwith some of your own stories (if you're foolish enough to have them) and let us know your faves! 

1. This has actually happened to me, and thinking back, I don't understand how I wasn'tworried enough to call 911.

"Once we had a young woman call 911 around 2am saying that her legs were turning blue. Turns out she had worn a new pair of jeans to the club that night."

2. If I actually thought about all the gum I've swallowed over the years...

"I'm not a dispatcher, but back in my EMS days I was dispatched on a call of a child being poisoned. Upon our arrival we find a 14 year old male and his mother. The mother was insisting we take them to the hospital so he could have his stomach pumped because he had swallowed chewing gum. The child was looking at us as if to say, 'I'm sorry my mother is crazy.'

"One year later, same address, same family, called for poisoning. Upon arrival we find the same kid and mother. The mother wanted to be taken to the hospital because the kid had admitted to his mother that he had taken a hit of marijuana when he was visiting friends the week before. The kid had the same look on his face."

3. Almost anything that starts with you being at a 7-Eleven ends this way.

"I have been in the 911 biz for over 22 years. If a caller starts the call with 'I swear I'm not crazy' then you need to buckle up for some insanity. A guy started a call with those words after escaping from his apartment and running to the closest 7-11. He swore that his roommates were turning into giant crabs. [He] was going to show the officers that they were currently in giant cocoons transforming. As you might expect he was tripping balls."

4. To be honest, living in the country, it always freaked me out seeing ANYONE outside my house!

"We had an old woman call in and say there was two guys dress in blue trying to break in her house and rape her. So we send about 6 cops over to her house. It turns out it was the gas company reading her gas meter."

5. I feel I operate at this level of sleep depravity almost daily. 

"Not an operator, but my boyfriend who called in.

"He usually worked a late shift, walking home about 2 am. This shift he got off work a few hours late...

"BF: I'd like to call and report a fire. [We live in a fire prone area and it was the season.]

"911: Where is it located sir?

"BF: On the hillside just East of [City].

"911: Can you be more specific? [Typing away in the background.]

"BF: Yes, [gives a more detailed location]. Oh god, it's getting bigger!

"911: Stay calm sir, we're sending somebody out.

"BF: It's getting bigger! Oh god! Oh...oh, wait...

"911: Sir?

"BF: I am SO sorry...I'm not usually out this time of night, I just got off work late...that's, that's the sun...

"911: ...

"BF: I am so, so sorry for wasting your time, there is no fire, that's just the sun rising. Never mind. I'm really embarrassed...

"911: That's fine, Sir. I will cancel the call, thank you for calling."

6. But what if he gets hungry? He's vulnerable to predators up there!

"My mom works as a 911 operator. She got a call one time from a girl in gym class at the local high school. She was in a panic and completely serious saying there was a squirrel on top of a telephone pole at the school and it wasn't coming down."

7. But who's there to police the police?

"Had a drunk person call to report he was being harassed. Truth was..... He was being arrested by our officers for throwing pizza at people. All I heard in the background was one of my officers saying to him 'that better not be our dispatcher on the phone' followed by some muffled talking and my officer taking the phone and saying 'he will be taking a ride with us now' and hung up.

"Still laugh about it to this day."

8. I'm pretty sure this is a bit from an episode of Seinfeld. 

"A friend of mine once called 911 when when he was a kid because his aunt was having a baby.... At the hospital."

9. If the lights don't flash on the ambulance, what's the point? I could have just taken a taxi!

"EMT here, I once responded to a man in his mid to late sixties lights and siren. On arrival instead of finding him experiencing abdominal pain like he told the dispatcher he simply had an itchy belly. I get that it itches and that sucks, But do you honestly think this is a good reason to occupy an emergency ambulance? Not only did he make us take him to the ER but asked why we weren't driving with the lights on. Good thing stupid isn't contagious."

10. Take the stove, but not my microwave!

"Not an operator; I'm a prosecutor. Guy lived in a rooming house that had a public area where all the residents could hang out. It had a microwave in it provided by the landlord. Guy called 911 around midnight one night because the microwave wasn't there.The conversation with the dispatcher went something like this:

"Dispatcher: 'So... you called 911 because a microwave you don't even own is missing? Did you ask your landlord if he took it?'

"Guy: 'Uh, no.'

"Dispatcher: 'Well, that's not an emergency, sir.

"Guy: 'But I'm really hungry.'"

11. City slickers just don't understand the finer parts of country living. 

"Caller: A deer just swam across the river behind my house.

"Me: Okay?

"Caller: Well I am worried it might be cold.

"Me:.......Well there is nothing we can do about a deer being cold. Didn't it run off after swinning the river?

"Caller: Yes.

"Me: Well ma'am it's a wild animal and I'd guess it's going to be fine.

"Caller: ok"

12. This is exactly how both people would react in this situation 

"Friend of the family just retired as a 911 operator and she once had a call from an older lady who was in a panic, she had slipped her husband a Viagra, without telling him and he had the longest erection either of them could remember, the wife was nearly in tears, worried she might cause her husband a heart attack.

"The husband was laughing his ass off in the background, trying to calm his wife, saying things like 'I bet you didn't think the old buck still had it', and she would keep yelling at him to stop strutting around, he was going to have a heart attack.

"They immediately despatched an ambulance but after talking with the wife realised she had no reason at all to assume her husband was having a heart attack and infact she was panicking for nothing, after checking him out, the first responders left and the poor old lady was chastised for slipping the pill and apparently was mortified that everyone knew about her sex life. The husband was happy, cracking jokes and laughing the entire time."

13. Needless to say, Christmas was ruined. 

"6:30 Christmas morning. 9-1-1 goes off. '9-1-1. what's your emergency?'

"Breathless, panicky voice 'How do I get the cranberry sauce out of the can without it coming out in chunks?'

"'Open the other end and slide it out on a plate.'

"'OH! THANK YOU! You are brilliant!'

"I wasn't considered so brilliant once I had to dispatch an officer over there to educate her on proper 9-1-1 usage. Merry Christmas, here's your citation."

If you got a laugh out of these, please feel free to SHAREthis with that one friend who is definitely foolish enough to pull something like this! You might just be able to prevent a serious case of stupid from occurring!