1. Eye-witness report!
2. The more functional approach
3. He ditched the hat and got a job!
4. An actual bit of good news!
5. This cheered me up for some reason
6. Same, goat. Same...
7. The only politician I trust!
8. Fox news:
9. Let's get the experts on this
10. See? Now we're gettin' somewhere
11. Our top story tonight:
12. Lastly, I think what we learned today is that news is better when it's run for and by animals. If not, you end up with something like this:
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