We've all been there, haven't we? It's one thing to head to a big box store with a purchase in mind. At least then you can dive in, hit your target, and move on to the next thing in your life. But an aimless shopping trip is another beast altogether. To tackle such a trip to one of the biggest, most confusing stores around? That could test a relationship. Just look at how it went for Reddit user fantafano, who documented his trip to IKEA.
"We appear to be here, in part, for lunch."
Which seems wise – "don't shop hungry" is some of the best advice you'll ever hear. And have you tried the meatballs? So good.
"I have dropped fruity purple sauce on my pants. As is tradition. It will likely stain. On Facebook, my aunt advises pouring boiling water over the spot. She further advises removing the pants before doing so."
Not off to a great start here, fantafano can't even shop for new pants – but maybe IKEA should take notes here and start selling stain-resistant pants? Just a thought. Nevertheless, after they're fed, it's time for the adventure to begin.
"Perhaps we are here for institutional storage solutions. My wife says, "Maybe when we have eight kids." We have zero kids. We move on."
Hey, you could do worse than a cabinet like that for storage.
"We are looking at candles. We have many candles. We bought our current candles at IKEA. These are slightly different."
I feel this. When I die, the scavengers who pass through my home will ponder the boxes of tealights and slightly different tealights on a shelf in the closet and lament that there just weren't enough Halloweens in my life. We move on...
"She has asked for my thoughts on this storage solution. I said, "We don't have room for it." This was apparently an incorrect response."
I have learned this lesson, fantafano. Storage solutions create room for more things. However, there's no correct response that doesn't result in more work for you. Such is life.
"We seem to be here for a mirror. I begin to recall a conversation where she expressed this need."
Oh, thank goodness it isn't just me. But fantafano seems to be stronger than me – I would be asleep in an IKEA showcase bedroom by now.
"This is not a mirror. Our ultimate purpose remains as mysterious as the little dots over the vowels in the item labels."
I'm sensing that storage solutions might be the ultimate purpose rather than mirrors, but that could just be IKEA. Storage solutions are kind of their thing, you know?
"My wife is charmed by the stuffed rats. This does not alarm or surprise me, although I am surprised that the rats feature so prominently in the display. It is a strange marketing choice."
Spot on, fantafano, spot on. And we don't seem to be any closer to finding a purpose for being there...
"She has commented on how sturdy these spoons are. Our other measuring spoons do not strike me as structurally unsound."
And really, what are you cooking that you need heavy-duty measuring spoons?
"'*This* is where you get napkins,' she asserts. I have to agree that, on evidence, she is right."
I hope he told her so, too, because don't we all love hearing that we're right? Also, who knew IKEA had so many napkin options?
"'Ready?' she asks. I say yes, but I'm not sure what she is referring to."
The good news is that she's not likely referring to anything too awful in an IKEA, so a yes is harmless.
"'This would be really pretty,' says my wife. I express hesitance to hang a picture of a random woman on my wall. She was talking about the picture frame. I am on thin ice."
Easy trap to fall into. I would have done the same, too. There's enough low-grade tension going on that you have to wonder how this trip to IKEA will turn out for these two.
"We live in a basement. I fear for the lives of any plants we procure."
And yet basement apartments are in dire need of greenery. Give it a chance, fantafano.
"My wife says these remind her of baobab trees. I patiently remind her that baobabs are hundreds of feet tall. She will detach a retina if she keeps rolling her eyes like that."
That's a good sign, some wisely chosen levity. This has been a long shopping trip, so tempers could be short. Instead, they both still have a sense of humor. Turns out, that's a good thing, because...
"I've been busted."
Good smirk – I think you did well wifing this one, fantafano.
"We are checking out. We have a microwave cover, a sugar bowl, and a drawer divider. We do not have a mirror. "I want ice cream," says my wife."
I hope he took her up on the ice cream – that would be the perfect cap for this trip.
"I love you forever, even though I already have to," says my wife. I love her, too.
Aww. Even after that ordeal, they can leave IKEA holding hands. We don't know if he ever found out why he was at IKEA, other than to be there. And maybe that was enough.
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